I never truly understood the weight of fatherhood until the day my son was born. As I held him for the first time, a wave of emotions hit me—a blend of love, fear, and an overwhelming sense of responsibility. In that moment, I realized something profound: I didn’t just want to be a dad. I wanted to be the dad I had always needed growing up.
The Father Figure I Missed
My childhood was shaped by the absence of a dependable father figure. My dad was in and out of my life—physically present sometimes, but emotionally distant most of the time. He wasn’t a bad man, but he was a product of his ownupbringing: stoic, reserved, and unsure of how to express love. I can’t recall many heart-to-heart conversations or moments where I felt truly seen by him.
As a kid, I didn’t know any better. I thought that’s just how dads were supposed to be. But as I grew older, I realized there was a gap in my life, a void that affected how I connected with others and how I viewed myself. That gap fueled my determination to break the cycle.
Learning What It Means to Be "The Dad"
When I say I wanted to be the dad I always needed, I don’t mean I aim to be perfect. What I mean is I want to show up in ways that matter: emotionally, physically, and mentally. I want to be the kind of dad who not only provides but also listens, encourages, and nurtures.
But this wasn’t something that came naturally. I had to learn, unlearn, and relearn so much about what it means to raise a child.
1. Embracing Vulnerability
One of the biggest challenges was allowing myself to be vulnerable. Growing up, I’d been taught—directly or indirectly—that vulnerability was weakness. My dad rarely showed emotion, and I followed suit. It wasn’t until I became a father that I started to question this mindset.
I remember one night when my son was about three. He fell off his bike and scraped his knee. Instead of brushing it off with a "you’re fine," I sat with him, hugged him as he cried, and told him it was okay to be upset. That moment felt small but monumental. I didn’t just comfort him; I rewrote a piece of my own emotional code.
2. Breaking the Chains of "Traditional Masculinity"
Many of us grow up with these unspoken rules of what it means to be a man: tough, silent, a problem-solver. I tried to embody those traits as a young adult, but they didn’t serve me well. They created distance in my relationships and left me feeling isolated.
As a father, I’ve made a conscious effort to show my son that being a man isn’t about being unbreakable. It’s about being kind, empathetic, and open. I let him see me laugh, cry, and apologize when I mess up.
There was this one time I lost my temper over something small. I yelled, and the look on his face crushed me. Instead of brushing it off, I went to him later, sat him down, and I apologized. I explained that I had been wrong and that it wasn’tokay for me to react that way. He hugged me and said, "It’s okay, Dad." That moment reminded me how powerful honesty and humility can be.
The Importance of Presence
One thing I never realized as a kid is how much children crave presence—just having their parent there. My dad worked long hours, and when he was home, he was often distracted. I can’t remember him attending a single school play or soccer game.
Now, as a dad, I make it a point to show up. Whether it’s a Saturday afternoon at the park or a Tuesday night math homework session, I want my son to know I’m in his corner.
It’s not always easy. Between work deadlines and life’s endless to-do lists, I sometimes catch myself mentally checking out. When that happens, I remind myself why I’m doing this. It’s not about being present for everything but being fully there for the moments that matter.
Encouragement Over Criticism
As a child, I was often criticized more than praised. Mistakes were met with lectures, and achievements sometimes went unnoticed. This shaped me into a bit of a perfectionist, always striving to prove my worth.
With my son, I’ve flipped the script. I make it a point to celebrate his wins, no matter how small it is, and to always encourage him when he falls short. Instead of focusing on what he did wrong, I focus on what he can learn from the experience.
I remember one night when he came home from school disappointed about a spelling quiz. He’d done poorly despite studying hard. Instead of criticizing or saying, "You should’ve done better," I told him how proud I was of the effort he put in. We sat down together, reviewed the test and made a game plan for the next one. The following week, he aced it.
Balancing Discipline and Compassion
Discipline is a tricky aspect of parenting. It’s easy to swing too far in either direction—being overly strict or too lenient.I’ve had my fair share of trial and error in finding the balance.
What I’ve learned is that discipline doesn’t have to mean punishment. It’s about setting boundaries and teaching accountability in a way that feels fair and loving. When my son breaks a rule, I focus on the "why." Why did he make that choice, and what can he do differently next time?
There was an instance when he lied about finishing his homework. Instead of grounding him, I sat him down and asked why he felt the need to not tell the truth. He admitted he was overwhelmed and didn’t know how to ask for help. That conversation led to us creating a better homework routine together.
Being His Safe Space
One of my biggest goals as a dad is to be my son’s safe space. I want him to know that no matter what happens, he can come to me without fear of judgment.
This became especially important as he got older and started facing bigger challenges. When he struggled with friendships or felt anxious about school, I made sure to listen without immediately jumping in with advice. Sometimes, all he needed was to vent and feel heard.
I think back to my own childhood days and how often I felt like I had to deal with things on my own. Knowing that my son doesn’t have to feel that way is one of the most rewarding parts of fatherhood.
The Journey is Ongoing
Becoming the dad I always needed isn’t just a destination; it’s a journey. There are days when I fall short, moments when I lose my patience or get too caught up in my own worries. But every day, I try to be better than I was the day before.
My son has taught me so much about love, resilience, and what it means to be human. In trying to be the dad I always needed, I’ve also found a version of myself I didn’t know existed—someone more compassionate, present, and whole.
Fatherhood has been the most challenging yet fulfilling experience of my life. It’s not about being the perfect Dad but about showing up, learning, and growing alongside my child. And in doing so, I’ve not only given my son the dad he deserves but also healed parts of myself along the way.
To anyone out there navigating parenthood, know this: You don’t have to be flawless to make an impact. You just have to be there, willing to try, and ready to love. That’s what makes all the difference.
